Accidents Happen
by Samara
Summary: Decisions, decisions...
1. Shock

Accidents Happen

Disclaimer: You and I both know they ain't mine.

Author's Note: This plot idea has been kicking around in the old noggin for a really long time. Constructive criticism is totally welcome. I first wrote this many months ago, but never got around to putting it up. Therefore, all of these events have obviously taken place before this big story arc that started with 45. Thank you, and enjoy. If you don't enjoy, I'll find you and kill you…or at least tickle you until you beg me to stop.

Chapter 1—Rachel 

We were gathered in Cassie's barn, numbed after a particularly bloody battle. This sort of post-traumatic shock had become "normal" for us, but this time was different. There was no banter between Marco and I. Jake didn't have his prematurely old and worried face on. Instead, there was something much worse.

Cassie fussed with a broken-winged duck, just as she had been for the past hour. Marco stared at the ground, trying at all costs to avoid my eyes. There was nothing for him to joke about right now, and he knew it. Ax and Tobias simply stood where they were, neither daring to break the hours-old silence that filled the barn. Tobias, as a hawk, was unreadable, but I knew that he was watching me out of the corner of his eye, trying to figure out what would happen next.. And I…

I stood, with my hands buried in my hair, a bad taste in my mouth. Coming out of my daze briefly, I realized that that taste was blood. I had been biting down hard on my lip for a while now.

Marco was the first to speak. "What are we going to do? I mean, Jake, your parents know when you and Tom should be getting back. We can't keep pretending that he's only a few minutes late…that he'll be home soon."

Cassie, sounding more than a little hysterical, said, "We could always ask the Chee to help us…you know they would…or we could do like we did when Tobias got stuck, say he ran away or something…I mean, we've gotta do something! I can't believe this is happening, it's so unreal—" Just then Jake looked up, deep into Cassie's eyes. She realized she was babbling, and turned back to her patient.

It was like someone had opened a floodgate. Everyone started talking at once, Marco being the loudest.

"You crazy bitch! I knew this would happen some day! You are OUT OF CONTROL! Shit, what is the matter with you?" Marco was almost in tears now, and I knew that he was thinking of when Jake had pushed his mother off a cliff. "Who the heck gave you that call? You weren't supposed to listen to Yeerk hecklers! You were supposed to be watching Ax's back…"

As his ranting washed over me, I closed my eyes, playing and replaying that afternoon's events.

_The big Hork-Bajir slashed at my face and hit only air. I came up from my crouch, ripping open his stomach in the process. I ignored his screams and the deafening mental roar of Jake. Rachel—what are you doing?! Get back to Ax! I need you to cover him NOW! I ignored the message. There were Yeerks to be disposed of._

I looked down at my right hand that looked as though I had tried to tie-dye my flesh red. Under my fingernails, in the grooves of my palm…my hands could never come clean. Morphing can't get rid of dirt or, in this case, blood. I physically shuddered at the memories that assaulted me. I wouldn't get nightmares from this battle. I would get panic attacks.

_Slipping on blood and the damp grass of the field, I spun around and roared in triumph and rage. Come on, slugs! Yeerk slime! You think I'm a coward, I'll make you wet your pants! I felt a deep, burning pain in my arm. I had been grazed by a Dracon beam. Raising my left paw, I turned to tear out the throat of my opponent. One second too late, I saw his face._

I stared at my silent cousin, asking with my eyes for him to say the words, to say that her forgave me, to say that we would figure something out. He wouldn't look at me. Finally I opened my mouth to speak. "Jake—" I said, my voice cracking. I couldn't go on.

He sighed, and finally looked into my eyes. "I don't know what to say, Rachel. I don't know this time. I could ask everyone what they think I should do, but I think it really ought to be between you and me." With that he stood and left the barn. I simply stood up and turned to follow him. Nobody moved to follow me.

_Tom's eyes only held life in them for a second, but in that second I knew that he knew who his murderer was. There was only one thing that penetrated at the moment—the look in Jake's eyes. He had been standing to his brother's right. And he had seen the whole thing. For just a moment I thought that he was about to go insane…and then he went quiet. It was like something was dictating his actions. Retreat! he yelled._

There was no talk between Jake and I as we walked together. Finally, he stopped and sat down on an old tree trunk. We were well into the forest…well out of earshot of the others. He glanced at me, then looked at the ground. "You know, everyone would have really differing ideas about what I should do now. I guess I'm gonna ask a Chee to pose as Tom for a few months—you know, until 'Tom' can move out and join the army like he always planned. But what we should do about you…"

He looked straight into the sun, not blinking, not moving. I began to feel a deep pit of fear in my stomach. "Ax wouldn't like to say it, but you know his thoughts on revenge when it comes to family. Marco would, at the very least, want to make you personally explain to my parents what happened. Cassie would say what I'm thinking: accidents happen, but you went berserk out there. I'm not sure how far even Tobias would go to defend you right now. You went against a direct order, and you killed my brother because you are a psychopath."

I looked up, startled. "Marco was telling me for a long time that you're a violence-crazed lunatic, and I always figured that your rage would help us in our fight.. What just happened was a fight we wouldn't have even gotten into if it hadn't been for you."

This time my voice didn't waver. "You said it was an accident—it was! You knew you might have to kill Tom one day, so why would you be upset now—YOU didn't have to kill your brother! I took that decision from you, just like you did for Marco."

He stared at me for a long moment. "No. Like I said, that was a fight that should never have happened. You act as though I'm your leader, and I told you to stay back. We were only in there to get that disk, not to start a massacre. If Tom had found out about us and we had to kill him for the good of humanity…then…well, I'd still be angry but I would understand."

"You don't seem angry right now."

"I'm in shock. What did you expect? Tomorrow I'll cry, I'll grieve, I'll yell. Today I need to make a choice." He looked away bitterly. He hated himself right now, I could see that. I could almost hear the thoughts running through his head. _I was right there! I could have stopped her, I could have ordered the retreat earlier, the battle wasn't that important! _

Finally, staring off into space, he said to me, "You're out Rachel. You're a loose cannon, and for all our sakes I can't have you fighting with us any more."

"So what are you going to do with me, kill me? An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a life for a life?"

"That's your way, Rachel. Not mine. The only demand I will make—and I do mean demand—is that you don't morph anymore. You are out of this war. Consider it a dishonorable discharge. What you do now is your business." With that, he left. I remained, staring after him, not believing what I'd heard. Up to me? That war was my life! What else would I do? There was no place in the world for someone like me. Still…

Maybe I didn't always follow orders, but I did understand honor. A kind of warrior's honor. I had disobeyed an order, killed my cousin, and God only knows how many other innocents that had gotten in my way.

I owed this sacrifice to all those who would have lived. Under the setting sun, I made the hardest decision of my life. I took a deep breath and—

(_Like it? Hate it? Please review. If ya all like it, I'll write the next part. BTW, I know people are a little out of character here, but after all, I don't think this was a situation they'd expect.) _


	2. Penance

# Penance

Part 2 of "Accidents Happen"

Disclaimer:They're mine…all mine…BWAH-HA-HA-HA!!!!Go on, Scholastic.Sue me.After 41 and 42, I think you owe me.

Author's Note:Okay, that little cliffhanger in the last part was cruel.I just wanted to get your attention, and if you are reading this, it apparently worked.This part is about Rachel, alone with her thoughts.After all, she has a lot to deal with.I promise, there'll be more action in the next part.I'll try to get every part up as quickly as humanly possible.I.E., if a day or two goes by when I don't update, it means that I am busy with something that is –gasp! --more important than this story.Thank you, and please continue shopping a K-Mart.

I took a deep breath and walked away.I was totally numb—thorns were tearing at her skin and the night had just become icy cold, but I didn't feel a thing.Over and over a treacherous little mantra played in my head.

## How dare they how dare they how dare they how dare they how dare they how…

_ _

I begged the little voice to be quiet…I knew i had to atone for Tom's death.And yet, the quiet indignation that had ruined my life would not allow me to repent._Be quiet,_ I mentally screamed._I deserve this!_

I walked on and on, barely noticing that I was deeper in the forest than I'd ever been before, that dawn was approaching, or that my feet were raw and bloody.My cousin's death tormented me, but it was nothing compared to being repudiated by the few people on the planet who understood and accepted and needed me…or so she thought.

I laughed bitterly, the sound of my laughter harsh."I made a mistake.I fucked up, and they decided it was easier to get rid of me than to deal.Hypocrites.I tried to kill David, and they hated me for it.Then, they had me 'remove' him…"I looked up at the brightening horizon and watched a hawk turn lazy circles.Suddenly, I was overcome by anger unlike anything I'd ever felt before.I wanted to lash out and _hurt_ someone.I wanted to morph to grizzly and tear a tree to splinters.

Suddenly my adrenaline high disappeared, and was left by only a hollow kind of emptiness._Jake told me not to morph anymore…who does he think he is, anyway.Elfangor gave me the power…the Ellimist trusted me with it…how DARE Jake tell me not to use what's MINE!_

_ _

_He is your leader.He is your cousin.You promised him your respect and support.You failed him.You took away from him his hope. He may save the world, but he'll never see his brother again.Because of you._I cringed under the barrage of self-hate.I knew, deep down inside, that I wouldn't morph again.I couldn't.As angry as I was, I felt that it was right that I give up the life I'd known in exchange for my cousin's.Jake had been right, as usual.A life for a life…that was my way.It always had been.

I was sitting on the ground, ignoring one of the most beautiful sunsets the area had ever seen, when I heard behind me a rustle of wings.I didn't look around, even when I heard the telltale bone-crunching sound of morphing.Tobias didn't make a sound, either.He just sat down beside me.For a long time, neither of us spoke.

"I'm sorry, Rachel."

I laughed bitterly."For what?I'm the one who screwed up.In fact, if I recall, I nearly hit _you _a few times last night during the battle."

"That doesn't matter to me.Rachel…are you going to come back?Jake is really upset, but Cassie and I…and your family…they _are_ going to want to know where you are.Nobody said anything about you going away forever, you know."

I didn't answer him for a while."Tell Jake I won't morph."

He looked hard at me.Funny—even when he was in human form, he never really lost his piercing glare."You can tell him yourself, Rachel."

"I don't think he and I will be talking anymore.So, please, just tell him I won't morph.But…" I swallowed hard."Tell him I won't abandon the fight.I'll do what I can, even if I don't morph.Tobias, I don't love this war.But it defines me.I don't have a life outside it.Everything I know and care about is because of this.If not for the war, I never would have known you.I would have been a space-occupying little mallrat with absolutely nothing on my pathetic mind.I can't leave it."

"So what are you going to do?"

I had been thinking about this…made this decision last night, knowing that there really was no decision.For me, this was the only way left."I'm going to help the human resistance.You know, get supplies together and all.Spy.Work on mapping the Yeerk Pool.Anything I can do to make sure we survive this."

Tobias didn't say anything.He fidgeted, tearing a blade of grass to tiny pieces.He took a deep breath and opened his mouth, but I anticipated the question."What should you tell my parents?I don't know.They always thought I was kinda unbalanced anyway.Let them think I ran away or something.Tell them I'm dead."

Tobias stood up.He looked at me again, and I saw this raw pain and anger in eyes.So, what then?You're just going to walk away from us?Like we'll never see you again?"He stared straight into my eyes."Do you remember how much grief you gave Cassie when _she_ tried to walk away?Or when Ax almost left us to be with his own people again?Or how about Marco?You called him coward more times than I can even remember."

Once upon a time I would have jumped up and stared him down.I would have snapped that _they_ were different; _they_ deserved second chances.As it was, I looked down at the ground, at the grass I was sitting on.I couldn't bring myself to even look up.I was too tired, too sick.All I could do was mumble, "Go away, Tobias…please, just go away…"

He stood there another moment, and then began to morph.He launched himself into the sky, and I heard him scream with frustration and loss.Then, I was alone once more.

Author's Note:Okay, I know this took a few days to get up, but like I said, this story is almost a year old, and it was tough to get back in the frame of mind where I can write Rachel.She's one of my least favorite characters, but I enjoy writing her.Cassie I generally kill outright.I don't hate her…it's just that she gets in the way of a good story sometimes.


	3. Revenge

# Revenge

Disclaimer:They're not mine, m'kay?

Author's Note:Okay, I _know_ I'm gonna get flames about this one, but that's okay.Seriously, you can't tell me that Jake would never act this way.Look at the way Jake acts as of book 50.He's a nutcase when it comes to his family.Also, there is one other thing that it might be helpful to know for this story.#1:for this story, assume that the Animorphs are 16 or 17 years old.I never really bought the 12 or 13 thing.#2:Assume that they've been fighting for a few years now.This story is from Cassie's POV, and it takes place about a week after the events in Penance.Also, I'm looking for a beta.My friend Scarlett usually is my beta, but she doesn't read Animorphs and doesn't really know anything about the characters.So, leave your e-mail addy in the review box, and I'll talk to ya, m'kay?

He's not doing very well.I want to help him, but I don't know what I could possibly say or do to make anything about this lousy situation any better.Marco and I have talked to each other, trying to figure out how to pull Jake out of this mood — I know his brother is dead, but to look at him, you'd think Jake was, too.He's lost weight, and they ever-apparent dark circles under is eyes are way worse than usual. 

Lourdes has disappeared from the street — now she has a new role to play.Every three days, she goes to the Yeerk Pool in the guise of Tom.Luckily, Tom was the host to a relatively low-ranking Yeerk.Marco, Tobias and I spent several hours a day showing Lourdes Tom's old pictures, trophies, and the journals he'd kept before he was infested.We filled her with knowledge of Tom's friends and family, hobbies and dislikes, until she could pass as Tom to all but the most careful of observers.Jake had no role in this…he didn't even take an interest.All the while he just sat there, not really focusing on any of the details of the deception that was taking place around him.

At school, he's a zombie.He only answers teachers when spoken to.He spends his lunch periods outside, as far away from the rest of us as he can possibly get.All of us have the same questions for him — about Rachel, and what he wants us to tell her parents--but neither he nor Tobias are talking.I get the impression that talking to Rachel a few days ago, before she disappeared for good, really truly wigged him out.He's spent more time alone in these past few days that he has in all the time he'd been trapped as a hawk.

The thing that really, really, _really _bothers us all is the fact that the Yeerk lived — the inside Tom, that is.It still freaks me out to think about what happened during the aftermath of the battle…

_Jake had just screamed for a retreat.I heard Marco chanting Oh, crap; oh, crap; oh crap…I spun around to see Tom's body on the floor, the throat a bloody mess.Rachel was standing there in her grizzly morph, blood on her paws.Jake seemed numb — he wasn't even looking at the body.Rachel jerked away from him for an instant, then ran out with Ax and Tobias close behind.Jake looked back at Marco and I, and walked out, calm and cool as a cucumber.He was in shock, I realized.On autopilot for the moment.I turned to Marco and simply said, Get the body. Fortunately for us, the Yeerks had suffered heavier losses than we had, and were by this time gone.I don't think any of them realized that Tom was gone._

_ _

The Yeerk crawled out a few minutes late; I quickly slipped it into a plastic grocery bag I found nearby.That would have to do for the moment.Later, when Lourdes agreed to "become" Tom, she wired up the Yeerk in her head.We no longer needed to worry about the possibility that the Yeerk might be missed — Lourdes now knew everything it knew.Tom…Tom was given a solemn burial near a pasture by the forest.He has no marker.There was no ceremony.Maybe one day, when the war is over, there will be.

_ _

I shook myself out of those thoughts and focused on healing Jake.I wastrying to get him to help me think of something to tell Rachel's family.This past week, we'd been giving them a little runaround, saying that she was staying with me and that we'd gone camping for the time being.Thank God it was summer.Still, yesterday I'd had to come home, and the truth (or some variation of it) would have to come out.

Just then, the phone rang."Hello?"

"Did you read the paper yet?"It was Marco.

"N-no…why?Is everything okay?"

"Just look…I don't know how to say this, but — "

But he didn't need to say anything.I had just looked at the front page of the local section.I felt my knees growing weak, and I just heard myself sigh, "Oh, Rachel…"

I came to a short while later, with my mother patting my cheek and alternately hugging me and yelling at me."Did you know it had gotten this bad, Cassie?I'm sorry I didn't.Oh, poor Naomi…honey, did she give you any indication this past week that she was going to do this?"

I couldn't speak.Rachel…dead?Suicide?It couldn't be!Not my strong, fearless friend.Weakly I grabbed at the paper.Yes, there it was."Rachel________ killed herself last night.She drowned herself in a nearby lake, leaving no note, no witnesses, and no idea that she was feeling this angry and depressed."I looked up at my mom, and mumbled out, "I think…I think I'm gonna…go lie down now."

I didn't go out for the next two days.It wasn't until two days later that Jake called me.I had only been talking to him for a few minutes before I began blubbering.'Oh, God, Jake, I'm so sorry…first Tom, now Rachel — "

"She's not dead."That stopped me in mid-tear.

"What do you mean, she's not dead?"

"I got one of the Chee to make it look at though she killed herself."

There was a looooong pause then.I couldn't speak.Finally, I managed to choke out, "Why?"

I heard him take a deep breath over the phone line."It's just…I guess Rachel and I had more in common that I wanted to admit.It was when we buried Tom that I figured it out.But you came up with that camping story, and I had to wait."

"_WHY?"_I was hysterical.I knew it, and he knew it.

"Because…because I couldn't stand the idea that one day she'd come waltzing back into town.She'd be alive, and he'd be dead, and everyone would be forgiving because it happened in the heat of battle — and dammit, it's not fair!I just couldn't take it anymore!So I decided — " 

I hung up the phone._I _couldn't take it anymore.I wanted to kill Jake.If he had been standing in front of me at that moment, I would have.Still, there was this huge, huge part of me that loved him and understood how he must feel and wanted to forgive him.So, I went to talk to the only person who could possibly understand what I was going through right now.

Tobias wasn't in his meadow.I kinda expected that he'd be like me, and hole up when feeling bummed, but I guess not.When he came gliding in almost two hours later, he turned immediately toward me.Marco just came by earlier and told me.She's alive…I knew it.She's too in love with life to ever do something like that.I've been looking for her ever since, but no luck there.

"So what are we going to do then?I'm mad at Rachel, but Jake has it fixed so that even if she's forgiven, she can never really come home.The Yeerks think she'd gone…if she comes back, they'll know something's up."

I don't know what to do now.I really, really wish Jake wasn't a total nutcase right now.

Author's Note:Okay, I wince in anticipation of flames now.Still, there's lots, lots more to come…this is only chapter 3 in a set of 16.The plot will thicken, I swear! 


	4. Renaissance

****

Renaissance

__

Disclaimer: I want them, but nobody will give them to me.

Summary:Rachel's POV. Jenny is borrowed from book 10, waaaay back in the old days when no one was ever out of character. And, for the record, I don't know if she was a Chee or not. Erik just mentioned her name. So sue me. WARNING: This is like, THE pivotal chapter, so read carefully. Everything I do, I do for a reason. 

Rachel emerges from the forest, and just so happens to read the newspaper…

A/N:Okay, what I have planned out (and I mean PLANNED—my metafiction notebook is starting to look like I'm getting ready for World War 3) is 15 chapters. Then, depending on what everyone wants, I'll post chapter 16. The deal is, I have 5 possible endings for this story. I'll let you, the readers vote at the end of chapter 15. :::BTW, the 41 and 42 reference in my disclaimer a few stories back was because I happen to feel that they are the two worst written pieces of trash in the history of the Animorphs.::: Also, I'm sorry this took so long to get done, but six people kept me very busy…Gambit and Chamber, Rictor and Shatterstar, and Northstar and Sasquatch. Lord, I love X-Men slash.

I was tired, dirty and hungry…and I was starting to feel like my old self. Can't say I was happy about that, but it was a relief to feel something other than total numbness for a while. All week—at least, I think it was a week—I had been pretty much sitting in the woods, not thinking about much of anything except Tom. I wanted to go back in time a few days, to reign myself in and make sure that he lived. Needless to say, I couldn't. Finally now, the rational part of me that had kept me from being killed for so long kicked in. I wasn't welcome in this town right now, so I should go somewhere else while everyone cooled off. I could go home and maybe tell my mother that I wanted to stay with Dad for a few weeks. Still, there was the question of the war to deal with…

Then it hit me. Jenny! I had been shocked to learn a while back that my old gymnastics buddy, Jenny, was a Chee…she could come with me, under the pretext of that gymnastics school out where my dad lived! That way, I could stay connected to everything that was going down with the Yeerks. 

I felt better than I had all week. Now all I had to do was morph eagle and fly home to tell my mother. She had been so busy lately she'd probably hardly notice that I was gone. I'm sure Cassie had come up with some story for why I hadn't been home all week. I heard my boned begin to crunch and move—and stopped.

My good mood was gone. I had sworn to Jake that I wouldn't morph any more, and I had already forgotten. Oh, yeah, it was time to go. Jake wouldn't forgive me. I couldn't forgive myself.

It was twilight when I found the first 7-11 that welcomes outsiders into our town. I had been walking for hours, and it was getting chilly out. I wandered into the store, ignoring the "no shoes, no service" sign. Wasn't like I had any money anyway. I was so tired that I could barely see straight. I grabbed a Snickers bar and ripped it open. Hang the consequences…I was starving. I'd pay for it later. Luckily, the lady behind the counter saw the way I looked and, without a word, handed me a cup of coffee. I think I gulped it down in about four seconds before sagging to the floor, head resting on my knees. I had to plan out my next moves…I needed to talk to Cassie first, and find out what kind of story she'd made up about my absence. I needed to talk to my mother and father, and pack. Call about plane tickets…I looked up for a moment at the displays of newspapers and magazines, needing a few minutes of teenage normalcy before I confronted some people who were very upset with me right now. Then, I saw IT.

I jumped up, snatched the newspaper and snapped at the cashier, "Can I have this?" She nodded, probably relieved that the wild freak would be leaving the store. I took the paper outside, not feeling the cold at all. I was way too angry. Somebody must have read this paper in the store, and accidentally folded it with the Local section on the outside. I threw the rest of the paper away, looking only at the headline on the front page. 

Dead. I was dead. Dead to my mother and father and sisters and the rest of the world. And I knew what had happened, too. Jake…he had made it look like I'd killed myself. I always thought that he was a pretty noble soul, that revenge was below him. I guess I was wrong. I still couldn't believe that Cassie and Tobias had gone along with this, though. Tears nearly filled my eyes, but I held them back. Parts of my plan still held…I needed to talk to Jenny.

I almost morphed again, but remembered in time. I managed to stay in the shadows, avoiding everyone on the streets. No point in making the populous think I was the walking dead, even though I looked like a zombie, with my hair a mess and my clothing torn---whatever would Cassie say? I laughed to myself, knowing that I was delirious and in shock, and not really caring at the moment. I was in an almost euphoric state of mind…intellectually, I knew it was because my body didn't have the resources to waste on anger right now. Plus, I was on a bit of a sugar high.

I don't really remember how I got to Jenny's apartment. I do remember standing on her doorstep, thanking my lucky stars that she was now "old enough" to have her own place. I rapped quietly on the door. I saw Jenny's shocked face, and promptly passed out.

I woke up four hours later, sobbing. I couldn't stop the tears. I couldn't control my own body, let alone my life.

I sat at the kitchen table, looking at my hands, unable to speak. Jenny set a mug of tea and some toast down in front of me. She stared at me for a long moment, and finally said, "So…want to talk?"

"He killed me, Jenn. Why would he do that? I mean, does he hate my family that much? I told Tobias to tell them that I'd figure out something—that they'd never have to see me again."

"He told me at the funeral that you wanted everyone to think you were dead."

"I was really upset then."

"You're really upset now, Rachel. You've lost weight, and you were never Jabba the Hutt to begin with. Your hands are shaking. You should see a doctor."

I laughed bitterly. "I can't see a doctor. I'm dead."

"Stop saying that, Rachel. Jake pulled a stupid stunt, and we both know it. Stop saying you're dead."

"I am dead, Jenny." I gave her a sideways glance. "I've been dead since the war started. It was just a matter of time before I got the idea and stopped moving."

There wasn't really anything she could say to that. She just looked at me mildly, and asked, "What do you want to do now? You can stay here as long as you'd like. I'll try to get you set up in another town, if you'd like."

"This war, Jenny…I owe it to my cousin to help end it."

"You promised Jake you wouldn't morph any more."

"I won't…I've been thinking about it. I just need to morph one more time, and that's it." I stared into her face, so hard that I imagined I could see the android body under the hologram. "I can't stay like this, Jenny. I just can't. Every time I look in a mirror, I hate myself all over again. And I hate Jake, because I know I don't exist anymore, not as far as the world is concerned. I can't be Rachel anymore."

Jenny looked alarmed. "Rachel, are you…you won't…"

She was talking to the wall. I had just left the apartment.

At the very least I looked presentable now…I was wearing a pair of jeans, a tank top, and a scarf on my head. It was only eight in the morning, but already there were people everywhere. I closed my eyes for a moment, and prayed that no one would recognize me. For once, my prayers were answered.

I was in a kind of frenzy. I acquired girl after girl. There were seven in total. Seven young women who looked about my age. Seven young women who looked very different from one another. 

The second stop was Jake's house. He and his family were out, which certainly made my job easier. I knew where his mother kept the spare key. I grabbed a piece of paper and a pen, and sat down to write.

Only one more stop, and I'd be finished. This one would be the hardest

When I was finished, I went back to Jenny's apartment. She was at work, but had given me a key. I walked in, entered the bathroom, and locked the door. 

I took a deep breath. I really had no idea how to do this—I'd only seen Ax do it once, and I had been, by far, the worst at morphing on the entire team. Still…I had no choice right now. I closed my eyes, and began. 

I pictured the seven girls whose DNA was now within my body, and I began to change.

Jenny entered the apartment, chattering about how nice the day had been and that she was going to the supermarket later, since she didn't usually have humans around here…she jumped a foot when she saw me, I swear.

I was an inch or so shorter than I had been, and was a bit curvier. I was slender, and had golden tanned skin. My hair was a reddish-bronze curly mass that fell halfway down my back, and my eyes were a silvery gray-green. I was curled up on the sofa with a backpack at my feet.

"R-Rachel?" I shook my head. 

"I decided to change my name."

"Really…to what, may I ask? And, uh, how long have you been in that form?"

"About three hours now. And I'm not sure about the name yet. I was thinking maybe 'Renee.'"

"Renee…" Jenny gave me a considering look. "Renee means 'rebirth,' you know. Kind of fitting. Are you sure this is what you want?"

I smiled for what seemed like the first time in a thousand years. "I'm past the point of no return, Jenn. Jake wanted me dead…well, I'm dead now. There is no more Rachel. Just Renee. Renee can still fight."

"Okay…Renee…what's in the bag?"

I shrugged. "Just some stuff. Clothes, my CD player and some CDs, a few books, my journal, a photo album…stuff I really needed to have, y'know?"

"Okay…do you need a place to live? I'm sure we can figure something out."

"That would help." I looked away. "I don't have any money right now or anything…I wish I could pay you back for everything you've done for me."

She smiled at me. "Hey, you want to get rid of the Yeerks. That's reason enough for me to help you out. Look, there _is_ a human Anti-Yeerk movement. You met some of them on the Internet. Start looking there. In the meantime, you can stay with the other Chee. What do you need that we can help you out with?" 

I rubbed my temples for a minute. "A computer. Some more clothes--I only brought one set. Basic for a human…blankets pillows, et cetera."

This place was bigger than I remembered. Jenny was giving me the grand tour, while Maria stayed close behind. There were a few rooms off the side of the huge arena-sized park that were built for storage, and I was given one of them. Furniture was found--nothing fancy, just a futon, a desk, and a few shelves. I was left on my own to get situated.

I threw the old blue quilt on the futon, along with some pillows and my new clothing. _Rachel_ _would not approve_, I thought to myself. These were all items from Goodwill, and consisted mostly of plain white tank-tops, a few pairs of jeans and shorts, and some beaten-up sneakers and sandals. I began to pull things out of my bag: books, CDs, and the photo album all went on the shelves. The journal was on the desk, as was the new laptop I had just been given. I looked around me at the tiny room. My new home. _I have a lot of work to do_, I thought grimly. I cracked my knuckles, and began.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

****

Interlude: Jake's POV

I trudged up the stairs, not wanting to pass my brothers room and be reminded of the fact that he wasn't there anymore. Lourdes was doing her best. She had everyone fooled, including the Yeerks. I guess that's all that really mattered at the moment.

I slumped down on the bed and turned my radio on full blast. _Wonderful. The Scorpion's 'Eye to Eye.' Yeah, that's all I need right now._ It took me a couple of minutes to register the piece of paper taped to my window. As soon as I looked carefully, I realized that the note was from Rachel.

__

I promised that I wouldn't morph anymore. I won't, except for this one last time. You'll never see me again, Jake, and I know that's what you want. For the record, I'm sorry about everything, not just Tom. I'm sorry I always gave you such a hard time and made you worry. I'm sorry I didn't try harder. I love you Jake…you were the only one who was ever really there for me, and understood me. Not even Cassie or Tobias got me the way you did. Just tell them that I love them too, okay?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

__

A/N: Okay, I swear it will all make sense in time, all right?


	5. Strangers

****

Hope

__

Disclaimer: I have 38 cents in my pocket. You think that'll be enough to buy 'em off Scholastic?

Author's Note: Told from Marco's POV. We get to see how the other's are doing three or four months after they kicked Rachel off the island, and they get to meet up with some strange kids about their age who say they work for someone named "Renee"…mighty suspicious, no? Sigh. I'm no good at summaries. BTW, I'm still after a beta. E-mail me at [kris@turtlegod.com][1]_, okay? Also, Kiera is mine, and mine alone. She's guest starring from another series, which is heavily in the making right now. That's why this part took so long to get up. Oh, yeah…remember, in my version Visser One is still Marco's mom, but she's not really in this._

We needed help...I was literally standing there, watching this whole thing go to pieces around me, and there was nothing I could do.

"Would you PLEASE give me a HAND, if it's not too much TROUBLE, your MAJESTY?!"

I shook my head sadly. "Kiera, Kiera, Kiera. Nothing short of a miracle will save this thing. I swear, chemistry is the most useless class there is. Who the heck cares what all the individual enzymes are, anyway, I mean-"

"_I_ care, you little maggot! I need a good grade on this lab," I backed away under the assault of dark red hair and dark blue eyes that seemed to take up all available air space, "and if you don't stop drawing pictures of Superman on our worksheet, I'm going to take that paper, tear it into tiny pieces, and SHOVE THEM UP YOUR—"

It was at this time that I beat a hasty retreat. I almost ran headfirst into Jake, who had no doubt been watching the whole exchange. I smirked and nodded my head towards Kiera's Irate-Irish-Woman rant. She hadn't even noticed that I was no longer standing behind her, taking her abuse. "She wants me. She wants me baaaad, Jakey."

He snorted. "You wish. She's not into guys anymore." I had to quirk an eyebrow at that.

"Oh? Do tell."

"According to Cassie, she had a major thing for Tobias once upon a time. Apparently they've known each other for years. She asked me about him once. When he spurned her advances or something, she turned to women." Jake looked me up and down once. "Besides, she's about a foot taller than you, man." Jake broke off to squint at the thermometer in his bubbling beaker of goo. I took the moment to stare hard at my friend. He'd lost a lot of weight a few months ago, and Marco and Cassie both had feared for Jake's mental and emotional well-being. Lately, though, he'd started to talk more, eat more, and smile more. He didn't act as though he'd just seen a ghost every time Lourdes walked by wearing Tom's body. In short, he seemed like he was getting back to a point where he didn't hate himself and hate Rachel.

Rachel…a few times now we'd broached the subject to our fearless leader, but he'd just get this creepy far-away look in his eyes that meant that he wasn't really ready to deal with the problem yet. After he'd faked her death, he hadn't mentioned her even once. Tobias and Cassie didn't say anything either, so Ax and I were left thinking that maybe she'd just left town. I got the feeling that Jake knew something, but I wasn't planning on pressing too hard to find out. To be truthful, I wasn't sure I'd like the answer.

The battles were getting more frequent, more violent, and more public. The Yeerks were keeping up the secrecy bit to some degree, but their standards were slipping. This time they attacked a wilderness retreat not too far from where Cassie lives, and they managed to scare some campers pretty damn good. Jake had just called for a retreat, staring each of us in the eye and making sure that we _understood_ that the battle was over. Nope, not quite over the Rachel thing yet…

Prince Jake, I feel compelled to point out that we are quite obviously the winners of this battle, and that the battle was finished several minutes ago. Each of our enemies has been defeated, despite the odds against us, and…

Jake looked for a moment as though he wanted to say something really scathing, but bit off his response. Let's just get going, okay? They probably called the forest rangers, and tigers and gorillas aren't really known for hanging out in the Northern Hemisphere.

What do you want us to do with the bodies? I shuddered inwardly. It had been a very bloody battle indeed.

Leave them.

What?!

Just leave them. If someone finds them, then maybe they'll tell an uninfiltrated branch of the government. 'S better than staying out all night digging a mass grave for five Hork-Bajir and eight Taxxons.

He stalked away, rippling up from tiger form into human form, and, without missing a beat, shifted into falcon form. I marveled at that for a minute…he was so graceful. After so much morphing experience, we all were. Ax once told us that except for the _estreen_ on his world, the si--_five_ of us were probably better at morphing than any Andalite.

I watched the others go, bringing up the rear. It was such a peaceful night; the moon seemed so big and the stars so friendly. It was unseasonably warm—October had been a cold month this year. I could've stayed there forever, marveling in the simple beauty of a moment without violence and bloodshed…

Moment over. I heard voices coming from the bushes to my right, and I instinctively stepped back into the shadows. "I think they're gone now. C'mon, Kat!"

"Are they…d-dead?"

"Yeah, don't let 'em bug you. Renee sez that the Horks used to be really nice and all, but they still look real big and _sharp_ to me. These ones are dead, though. Really dead. That tiger tore this one up real good."

I couldn't believe my eyes. Kids… younger than me, maybe eleven or twelve. There was an older boy with Asian features poking at the corpse of the smallest of the fallen Hork-Bajir with the air of one who has done this many times before. There was a girl standing behind him—a cute, petite little thing with blonde hair and wide green eyed. She was wearing what looked like an army surplus jacket about five sizes too large. It made her look like a child of only eight or nine. I held my breath, willing myself to be absolutely motionless and silent.

"Grab the those things that look like flashlights, okay. And those walkie-talkie looking things."

My eyes widened in horror. Dracon beams? These kids were after Dracon beams and Yeerk communicators? How the hell did they know so much about this war? Who the hell was Renee? I needed answers, and I needed them _now._ Still in gorilla morph, I reached out and grabbed the wrist of the boy. He opened his mouth to scream, took one look at me, and decided to shut up. The girl, Kat, looked like she was going to faint any time now. 

I'll let you go, but I have a few questions for you, first. Answer truthfully, and I won't be forced to show you my impression of a Hork-Bajir. You--what's your name?

"An-an-andrew…who _are _you?"

We'll get to that. What are you doing here? How do you know about the Hork-Bajir? Who's that girl?

"Our leader, Renee…she sent us out here to pick up any weapons the Yeerks might've dropped. Please don't hurt Kat!"

I sighed, and let the kid down. I think my leader and your leader need to have a little talk before too long.

"Who are you?"

Nuh-uh. Not ready to share just yet.

The girl looked at me. She seemed to gradually be calming down. "You're one of the Andalite bandits, aren't you? My sister was controlled by one of those slugs before Renee saved her…she said that the Yeerk used to scream about the Andalite bandits all the time. She said that one was a tiger, one was a wolf, and there was a gorilla, a hawk, a bear, and something else."

It was unnerving. She knew all about us and acted as though the war was the most normal thing in the world. The talking gorilla thing was obviously freaking them both out a great deal, but they were handling it well. It was as though they thought that after seeing Yeerks they could handle anything. I had to do something, before one of these kids inadvertently walked into the middle of one of our typical bloodbath battles. Luckily, they didn't really seem to know anything about us other than our morphs and that we fought against the Yeerks. We had a common enemy. I had to talk to Jake, or at least Cassie. How can I contact you?

The boy handed me a scrap of paper with an e-mail address on it. I stared at the bizarre name: [_Renaissance@phoenix.com_][2]__He looked at me solemnly. "That's Renee's account. She knows _everything_ about the Yeerks! She said that one day soon we'd have to find help…maybe you're it."

With that the kids turned and ran. I could have followed them easily, but I had too much on my mind at the moment.

An emergency meeting was called that night, and we assembled shortly outside Cassie's barn, everyone extremely grumpy about being yanked out of bed just after a giant battle. Everywhere I turned I saw a lot of "This had better be important, Marco" type looks. Quickly, I told my story, anticipating some big blowup afterwards. There were a lot of very mixed emotions--we had been down this road before, and it led to pain and disappointment. Cassie still wasn't really over her ordeal with Joe Bob Fenestre, and I don't think that any of us were really ready to simply trust some strange group that was blasé in the face of Hork-Bajir, dead or not.

Jake ran a hand through his hair. It had become an almost unconscious mannerism of his that meant that he was extremely stressed. "So, Marco, tell me what you think of this. You're the only one who's seen these kids."

"It was really weird. I mean, they looked scared to be there, and the one kid nearly wet himself when I grabbed him, but all in all they didn't look nearly as surprised as I was. They had watched the battle, apparently, so I guess that's why they thought we'd be okay to trust. And one of the kids called me an 'Andalite bandit.' My guess is that they're former Controllers. Somebody out there is doing a bit of our job for us. They talked about this Renee person like she had been the one to rescue them from the Yeerks. She was probably a Controller at some point herself."

And what if she still is? Ax interjected. Prince Jake, I feel that this is a trap. The Yeerks are certainly not above using human children as bait. They may be assuming that our Andalite compassion would compel us to aid these children. I made a remark under my breath about how deadly Andalite compassion could be. Ax glared at me. How is it that she could simply escape from the Yeerk pool?

Others have. The free Hork-Bajir are all escapees. Tobias turned to look at Jake. I agree with Ax, though. This does feel like a trap.

Cassie chose to pipe up at that moment. "But what if it is for real? I mean, these kids could really, really need our help. We can't just blow them off."

"Yeah, Cassie. Just like we couldn't blow off the Yeerk Rebellion or those internet geeks. I swear, Cass, you get us in more trouble--"

Poor Jake. He'd obviously had quite enough for the evening. "That's enough, Marco. We've all made mistakes before. Look, e-mail the girl, and see what happens."

All in all, it wasn't a very enthusiastic reaction. After all, we had been through this more than once, and a couple of dirty kids in the woods didn't sound quite as promising as, say, the Ellimist or the Andalite fleet. Still, it was something. That's how I found myself cutting school one fine Thursday morning. Tobias sat on my window sill, watching us. Ax was in his human form, brow furrowed and muttering to himself. "Hey, look…she instant messaged us!"

__

MonkeymansCrew: _So, um…who are you?_

Renaissance: Someone who wants to see the Yeerks go down. That's all.

MonkeymansCrew: Our leader wants to meet you.

Renaissance: I know…meet me tomorrow night behind the 7-11 on 5th and Main, Eleven o'clock. Okay?

MonkeymanCrew: Okay, but I should warn you that he won't be coming alone.

Renaissance: Neither will I.

MonkeymanCrew: I guess we can do a lot for each other, right?

[Renaissance is no longer signed on.]

We only had a little while left before the meeting. Alibis had been checked and re-checked. Parents had been lied to once more. I was starting to feel like the thousands of small betrayals really weren't worth the pain and anguish we felt about keeping our parents in the dark. One night, after a particularly bad battle, Jake and I had started to make a plan of what we'd do if it ever came to telling our parents. Sooner or later, that plan would be implemented.

We were all nervous about meeting this person. We still didn't know what was going on--we _had_ known for a long time that there was a very small human resistance that posted on the internet, but this was something altogether new…kids even younger than us picking up Yeerk weaponry and communications devices for an unknown purpose. This really, really looked like a trap to me, but I wasn't sure I could just walk away from this one. Say what you will about me, there were kids involved in this, and either way, Controllers or not, they would probably get hurt. I couldn't just leave them to that fate. We did take precautions, though. Jake and I were the two obvious figures there. Both of us stood in the dark shadows, further disguised by our morphs--adult males that we had acquired a long time ago, before David sold us out. Cassie had thrown a fit about that. She was currently a pit viper, hidden under a dumpster. Tobias was there as himself, and Ax was in seagull morph.

Eleven came and went…nobody came to meet us. Everyone ran inside for a quick demorph and remorph. Finally, around 12:30, they arrived.

It was really weird the way they appeared; it was as though a bunch of shadows had just solidified into human form. There was a tall boy with coffee colored hair and dreadlocks that was built like a wall. He stood behind a small girl with blonde hair and green eyes. She looked just like the little girl, Kat--must've been her older sister. And then, there was Renee. 

From the first instant I saw her, she bugged the hell out of me. I couldn't place it, but whenever I looked at her, I felt this vague sense of guilt and anger, and I couldn't for the life of me figure out why. She was really odd looking, too. Tall, reddish brown hair, skin almost olive colored like mine, and creepy grayish eyes. For a moment, she reminded me of my tall scary classmate, Kiera. She cocked her head, looking at Jake and I as though she knew us but couldn't quite place us. Then, she quirked a smile and started looking around the alley. The other girl and the boy never looked away. They stared Jake and me in the eye as though they hadn't expected to see us and weren't sure what was going on. I could see that they were both holding Dracon beams.

Jake nudged me in the ribs, and I started following Renee's gaze. _Shit._ Whoever this girl was, she was good. I just caught her look under the dumpster out of the corner of my eye, and she'd definitely made eye contact with Cassie. Renee smiled and looked up, tossing up a quick two-fingered salute at Tobias and Ax. Unless she was working under the assumption that some of us "Andalite Bandits" were in bug form, she had just identified all of us.

All of this had taken place in just under thirty seconds. She looked Jake and I up and down before saying in a slow, easy drawl, "So…?"

"You're late." There was the Jake I knew--the proper punctual drill sergeant.

"Traffic was bad." She sounded so old, yet there was no way she could be more than a year older than us. "You wanted to talk to me…I believe one of your number ran into some of my kids on a little retrieval mission."

Jake frowned. "We'll get to that. Right now, just tell me who you are and how you got involved with the Yeerks. The invasion isn't exactly common knowledge, you know."

Renee smirked. Yeesh…talk about the cat that ate the canary. "We'll get to that? Yeah, when _I_ say we'll get to that, we'll get to that. Here's the rules: I don't ask you for your life stories, you don't ask me for mine. We'll save that for when you know me a little better." I decided that now would be a good time to speak up, since Jake was going a touch red in the face. That guy sure had been touchy lately.

"This retrieval operation…I assume you're talking about the way you have kids run around picking up leftovers from our battles?"

"We don't have the ability to turn into animals. We take the weapons away from the Yeerks. I would think that that would be a help to you."

"But using children--"

"Look, I just wanted the chance to look your leader in the eyes. You have my screen name. E-mail me if you want to talk. Use code. I'll be in touch. I'm sure we have a lot to teach each other. Maybe you'll even get to trust me enough to show me your real faces." She flashed a grin at Jake, but as she turned away I saw a sad look in her eyes.

"Taran, Zach, let's go home, 'kay?" With that, the three of them melted back into the shadows.

I'm on it! Immediately Cassie had gone from viper to girl to wolf. She trotted away in the direction they'd left in, and came back only a minute or so later. Sorry guys…I can't smell where they went at all. I smell a LOT of air fresheners, though. They covered their tracks.

I glanced at Jake and grinned brightly. "Well…that went well, didn't it, fearless leader?" 

Jake just grated his teeth.

   [1]: mailto:kris@turtlegod.com
   [2]: mailto:Renaissance@phoenixflame.com



	6. Choices

Choices

Choices

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Disclaimer: Scholastic, I'll take Tobias, Marco, Ax, and Rachel off your hands. Jake and Cassie you can KEEP!!!

Authors Note: Since all of a sudden people started reading this fic again, and since I am now a jobless high school grad with no life, I figured that I would start writing it again. Also, I now have a beta, which makes life much more fun, seeing as my old beta up and died on me last spring. Sigh…the jokes we make…

Anyway, the usual clarifications: this Rachel (Renee, now) is NOT the Rachel of the earliest books or book fifty four. I started writing this series years ago, all in my head, back when 32 and 37 hit the shelves. And frankly, I don't care how much of a Rachel fan you are or were, she was a total whack job in those books. As for Jake…ummm, we've seen him become totally unhinged by the death of family. He didn't hesitate to sacrifice Rachel in the end to ensure that ultimately his brother didn't wind up a servant of the Yeerks for the rest of his life. So nyah.

This part takes place pretty much immediately after the last part. Sorry it's so short and boring, but I have other big writing projects going on right now, and I still have to get back into the groove in writing this series. BTW, this chapter is necessary for a couple of reasons, including the fact that in a little while we're all going to find out something very interesting about Jake and Rachel that I personally have suspected for a while. (NOT THAT!!! Ewwww…what do you think this is, "The Pregnancy"? Go scrub out your dirty little minds with soap and water.)

I lay flopped down on the straw in Cassie's barn, staring up at the rafters and pondering. Once again a huge life and death matter had been handed to me; more than just my tiny team was a stake on this particular mission. I kept seeing Renee's laughing glances and menacing stares as though they had been burned onto the backs of my eyelids. I could swear that I knew her from somewhere, but I had already looked through every school yearbook I could get my hands on and our mystery girl wasn't in any of them. All I could do was sit there and chew my lip as I let the voices of the others wash over me; sometimes just picking up snatches of their arguments told me more than listen to each of them give an impassioned speech. Only Ax remained quiet. I knew that this was just one of those things that he had classified "a human thing" and was bound to leave to the rest of us. At least all of the time he'd spent with us over the months—no, years, dammit—had made him a little more outspoken and opinionated.

Prince Jake, I… Ax was talking to me through private thought-speak. 

"What is it, Ax-man?"

It isn't really my place to say, but…

"Spit it out," I said, smiling.

I think that before we make any decision whatsoever regarding this human rebellion, we must study them. Follow and research them. If we do not, I fear that we may have a repeat of last time.

"Valid point, there. Okay everyone, 'nuff brainstorming. What have we got?"

At this point, I knew the responses of my friends so well that I felt that I could have just about skipped all of this part of the meeting. Rachel had once told me that my strength lay in knowing the hearts and minds of my friends, and that that was the reason I made a good leader. I loved—love!—my cousin when she said that. Sometimes, that girl was my own personal Demon of External Validation. I looked at her and saw either what I wanted to be or what I wanted desperately to keep from becoming. She was my canary in the mineshaft, my early warning system for when I got too close to the Dark Side. 

I listened to Marco and Cassie squabble, and, not for the first time, wished that Rachel was there. My anger with her wasn't gone, but it had cooled to the point that I would have brought her back after the first month. Her bloodlust notwithstanding, she had always been the perfect buffer between Marco's ruthlessness and Cassie's sentimentality. Lately, I felt like I couldn't stand either of them. I gave a little frown…this constant degree of irritation that I felt was irrational and I knew it. I had been acting so crazy these last few months that Marco had started to make cracks about PMS. Food for thought…back to business.

"Look, we oughtta just leave them to whatever the heck it is that they want to do. They want to run around picking up Yeerk weapons, let them. I say we just don't get involved, we don't go near them, we don't acknowledge them. We just pretend that they don't exist."

"No way. No way in hell. Look, some of that girl's group were _kids_. Not kids like us, but _little_ kids."

"Eleven or twelve. We weren't much older when we got the morphing power. Those _kids_ don't have to worry about the Yeerks. All they do is scavenge leftovers from battles. What's the harm in that?" 

They could get killed or captured. I don't think we want that on our conscience. Besides, it's already sort of our fault that they're out there anyway. The least we can do is let them know that if they need us, they can call on us.

"Normally, I'd agree with you, Bird-boy, but these kids just _aren't our problem_. We're kinda shorthanded right now, just in case you hadn't noticed."

We all froze. _Nobody _talked about Rachel to Tobias these days. It was a real taboo. After she had left—was made to leave, Jake…you made her leave—he hadn't spoken to any of us for days…even Ax. I wasn't an animal expert like Cassie, but even I could see that he had lost weight. Currently, the fierce look in his eye was fiercer than usual; for a moment, I had the feeling that our sweet, gentle Tobias was seriously considering morphing human and decking Marco. Instead, he turned away with a muttered Forget you guys and flew away into the night.

I let out the breath I had been holding. "Okay, that does it, we're going to offer these kids the hand of friendship. Ax, you were right. Before we do anything, we're going to check these guys out and find out how many there are, where they live, and what kind of supplies they have."

I turned to Marco. "You made a good point. We _are_ underhanded and we _do _need help. So get Erek to help you put together some info on these people."

Out of the corner of my eyes, I could see Cassie smiling at me. She mouthed "Thank you, Jake" when the other two weren't looking. I knew what she meant—this was my own personal penance. Only Cassie knew how badly I felt for driving my cousin away. I glanced down at my watch. "Guys, I have to go. I'll see you tomorrow."

Walking home alone helped me to clear my head. _Rachel…_

After the first month, I realized what a terrible mistake I had made. Seeing a Chee constantly wearing my dead brother's face was driving me insane, but for my parents' sake it was rather necessary. Having Cassie give me the fish eye was disquieting, but I think on some level, even if she disapproved of my actions, she knew why I had done what I had done. Tobias had been the worst. He never stopped by to talk to me any more, and Ax told me that he often went flying, sometimes for a couple of days at a time before returning.

I had faked my cousin's death and given my parents a ghost of the child they had lost. After I had cooled down, I had looked desperately for Rachel, but it was as though she had utterly disappeared from the face of the earth. I had begun to spend my days at the mall, thinking that maybe she had simply morphed another person and that somehow I would magically be able to tell that this perfect stranger was my cousin by her reckless, wild attitude. Then, I began to think that she had taken the form of another animal, and had traveled the water, land, and sky, hoping to glimpse Rachel in one of he alter-forms. I hadn't had any luck whatsoever.

__

Rachel? Wherever you are, Rach, you can come home. I'm not really mad anymore. Please come home. Everyone misses you so much. Just then, I passed by the funeral home where my cousin's memorial service had been held. I could recall perfectly the rage simmering through my bloodstream as I sat on the hard wooden chair in the funeral parlour, my teeth clenched to keep from screaming that every word being spoken about her was a lie. She wasn't strong, she was a slave to her emotions, she had no heart and fewer brains…knowing all the while that there was not any real truth to the terrible thoughts coursing through my mind. All at once I felt like laughing and crying.

Rachel wouldn't come back because she couldn't. I had made damn sure of that, hadn't I?

__

Oh, Rachel, you would understand. A life for a life, and a lie for a lie. Except that you didn't lie. I did.


	7. Chance

Choice

Choice

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Disclaimer: They're mine…all mine…I invented them…AAAAHHHHH!!!!!! LAWYERS!!!!!!!

Authors Note: I wrote this very late at night while listening to a mixed tape featuring, among other things, a Tapping The Vein cover of Tori Amos's "Cornflake Girl"—which I have always thought was a perfect song for explaining the duality of Rachel's nature, but I promise not to allow this to become a songfic of any type. I hate them with a burning passion—and a heckuva lot of Nightwish songs. They probably come out in the writing. 

Again, I'm so very sorry this is taking so long to get put together, but I have been working rather obsessively on "Tortoiseshell," and frankly, that story is a lot more important to me. (259 pages and counting on that sucker.)

Thank you to anyone who reads and reviews this…feedback makes the world go round.

Also, just a couple quick little things…this is the first, and I think, only, chapter where we have changing POVs. Also, I think KAA's explanation as to why someone can't use the blue box twice is some of the wooliest thinking I've ever heard…just so's you know. 

******

It had become routine in the last couple of weeks…we would drag our pathetic, bleeding carcasses off the battlefield, duck behind some trees, and morph quickly to some small, unobtrusive animal that a person would only notice if they were looking for it.

Tonight, Marco and I were on duty, and we had already selected bats. Jake whispered something along the lines of "good work, guys," and trotted off, already late for his curfew. In these last couple of weeks, his grades had slipped enough that his parents were seriously considering getting him a tutor…not that any of us were doing any better. Most of our parents had blamed our odd behavior on Rachel's death. They were right, even if they didn't know exactly how.

The Yeerks had hastened their actions, and we were desperately underhanded. Rachel had always accounted for most of the casualties we inflicted on the Yeerks, and as much as that had sickened me before, I was starting to understand why the death was sometimes necessary. It often seemed these days that for every Controller we took down, three of four more would pop out of the woodwork.

Renee's group might prove our ultimate salvation. They wouldn't need any convincing as to why a bunch of two-inch long slugs were dangerous. They already knew those dangers, and were prepared to face them and deal with them, however necessary. I had been thinking that perhaps Renee and three of her older crew members could handle the job. Until we decided on whether or not to admit a few new members, Jake had us watching these scavenger bands. We had identified at least twelve members so far, and they never, ever went out in groups smaller than three…at least, not since we had caught those two kids. We had followed them through the cities, and through the forests, and had begun to know their habits rather well. So far, we hadn't been seen or heard. At least, none of us thought so.

****** 

"How many?" Jason asked me in a fashion that had more to do with lip reading than sound.

"Two, I think. Bat-form. They're in that little maple tree over there. See? They look like big leaves."

"Do you want us to talk to them?"

"No. Just get what we're after and leave."

******

Currently, we were perched upside down in a tree, indulging in one of our favorite new hobbies—Animorphs conspiracy theory. Topics had ranged from what exactly had made Tobias decide to stay hawk (and why he had chose to deny that living as a hawk was a conscious decision he had made), all the way to Jake's absolutely abnormal behavior over the course of the last several months—even before Tom's death. Tonight's discussion, however, revolved around Rachel.

Where do you think she is now? The question was one that I had asked thousands of times before, and I had never heard an answer that seemed…right…to me.

Marco is quiet for a long while. Maybe…maybe she really did die. Maybe Jake just made up that story about faking her death so that we wouldn't be so depressed. A few yards away, a young boy pried a Dracon beam out of the hands of an unconscious, badly hurt Hork-Bajir warrior.

Nuh-uh.

Oh, you know something?

When I was at her house, about, two weeks after…you know…I saw that there was some stuff missing.

So maybe her mom took it.

Nope. This was all stuff that Rachel kept sorta hidden, but hidden in plain view. You wouldn't have seen it if you hadn't known what to look for. Did you know her journal was a plain composition book? Her father sent her all kinds of fancy notebooks for Chanukah and her birthday, but she never used them. Well, all her old journals are gone. So're some of the pictures of us that she used to keep up on that old bulletin board of hers. There's also some books and CDs missing. Rachel came in, packed some of her stuff, and left town. It's the only possible way. We watched Renee's group for a few more seconds before continuing the conversation. I fought the urge to yawn. Since the very first night that we had stayed after a battle to watch the clean-up crews come in, the routine was always the same: dart out from a distance, grab any and all useful weapons, communicators, or sometimes just objects that looked unusual or of value, and leave quickly. Nothing any different ever happened. 

A good theory; I give you that? But where would our fallen colleague _go_? It's not like she could have gone to her father's place, and if she were staying with friends she would have called us or written by now. She's your best friend. Renee's group was moving off now. Yet another assignment, completely without incident. I stretched my wings, and prepared to go home.

******

"I can see something on the glasses!" I grabbed the night-vision glasses from Taran, and blessed the Yeerks for one of the most absolutely wonderful little inventions ever seen on this planet—night vision glasses that wore like ray Bans.

A human with a shotgun was approaching from about a hundred yards away…well, it was hunting season around here. I didn't think that there was anything to worry about, but I flicked on the UV detectors for the glasses. Ah, yes…hanging at the human's side was a Dracon beam, showing up white-hot in my view. He was probably checking on this unit that had gone missing. I frowned as I noticed him looking at the fallen bodies of his comrades, and then directly at the maple tree where two of my former teammates were hiding. He lifted his weapon…

__

No…

I was running toward them before his hand reached the holster.

******

I could see everything happening as if it was in slow motion. The Human-Controller raised the weapon and took careful aim in our direction. Although the blast moved extremely fast, I imagined that I could see the reddish light inch toward us, knowing all the while that Marco and I were absolutely frozen, and that there was no way we could evade the beam enough to escape.

A second or two passed before I actually felt pain. _Then_ I felt the thin, sensitive membrane of my wing crisp and crumple like a piece of tissue paper in a fire. I saw stars, and tried to scream. As a bat, all I could do was chirp desperately. I could see Marco on the ground in front of me, an ear singed off. He was still breathing, but definitely unconscious. I could feel the vibrations of the controller walking steadily toward us. He had been shooting to stun, not to kill. The Yeerks most definitely wanted us alive. I suppressed a moan of fear and prayed for a quick, easy death, and knew that there would be none—only torture at the hands of the Visser.

Then there's a hard impact, and a sense of air rushing past our ears. I hear a muffled scream, and land in what feels like a canvas bag, on top of Marco and several metal implements. As I feel our savior begin a fast, loping gait, I allow myself to sink into unconsciousness. 

******

__

DammitdammitdammitDAMMIT!

I work to keep myself breathing steadily and my feet moving over the rough terrain, eyes squinted to make out any roots or rocks in my path. I have a mile or two of running before I hit the outer limits of our town. From there I can take a bus back to my main headquarters.

Never taking my eyes off the track before me, I fish in my bag, feeling the steady pulses of the two tiny creatures in my care. I reach past them, and grab the walkie-talkie that I use to communicate with all my little "hunting parties."

"Taran? Jason? I'm going to be a little late. _Go straight home._ Over."

******

I woke up a few hours later. In a blind panic, I ran my hands over my arms, legs, and face, and was relieved to find myself human once again. _Marco!_

"Your pal demorphed, had some coffee, and decided he'd rather wait outside your window." I look up blearily to see the (rather handsome) boy that I had seen with Renee. 

"What happened?"

"Some controller shot the two of you down. We were nearby. Renee heard the guy coming, and doubled back to warn you. She saw the shot go off, picked the you both up, decked the guy hard and ran off with you in her bag. When you got here, both of you woke up enough to start demorphing. It was…creepy."

Just then, the Hero of the Day herself graced us with her presence. I knew I ought to feel a little more charitable, but I had been shot, bounced around, and had demorphed unconsciously in what was possibly enemy territory—I was feeling a little disgruntled.

"So, did we have a nice nap, then?"

"Uh…yeah. Is Ma—my friend okay?"

"Yeah, he's fine. He turned into a seagull and perched outside your window. So…is there anything you would like to share with me right now. Since we're all such good friends and all." She smiled at me, and looked a bit like a lioness in a zoo. Caged, yes. Tamed, no. I decided that the only possible course at the moment was the truth.

"We've, uh, been watching you for the last week or so. In dog form and fly form and stuff. Sorry…we didn't really mean to freak you guys out or anything, but it was for your own good." 

"I know."

"_What?!"_

"I said, 'I know.' Honestly, it's not like you guys have really been covering your tracks all that well. Great horned owls generally don't zip low around city skylines. Only in Harry Potter books and Alfred Hitchcock movies," Renee smirked scathingly. I felt a blush of embarrassment try to crawl up my neck. "By the way, spare me the 'for your own good' crap. We just saved _you_, not vice-versa. Remember that, okay. I haven't ever had even one casualty in any of my groups. We are very, very good at avoiding the Yeerk retrieval forces. We don't confront them…we just run and hide. It's worked so far, and we don't need any of you 'Animorphs' to baby-sit us, okay?"

The girl with the spiky blond hair looked at Renee a little reproachfully. "They were only trying to help us, Ren."

Renee massaged her forehead gently. "Sorry to snap, but that's my point. They can't take care of their own. _She_," Renee gestured wildly at me, "would be dead right now without our help, and yet she'll sit there and preach to us about how they've been spying on us 'for our own good'—like we're a bunch of pathetic kids or something."

I sat up. "Look, Renee…I'm really, really sorry you feel this way. We—my team and I—we've been thinking of what to do about your group." I waved a hand in the direction of some of the smaller kids. "You seem to know a lot about the Yeerks. Surely you know that any one of those kids could be taken, and then the Yeerks would be able to get all of you without even trying."

Renee set her jaw and looked stubborn, but said nothing.

"Look, as long as I'm here…I'm gonna offer this to you. Our leader has been talking about this for a little while now, and I think everyone on the team is in total agreement about this," I sucked in a deep breath, trying not to think of the enormity of the lie I was about to tell. "We'd be willing to accept you and three other members of your group on our team. You can just come by that place where we first met you at about midnight tomorrow night, and get the power." _Jake is going to kill me. His face will turn purple, his nostrils will flare out, he'll start talking in that soft, silky voice he has, and then he will murder me._

Renee looked away for a long while before answering. "We'll…consider it."

"Thank you…I need to get going. It's really getting late." Before another word could be spoken, I zipped into bat form and launched myself out the nearest open window.

Marco!

Yeah?

Come on, we need to get to Jake's house. I need you to help me handle our fearless leader.

Ooooh…a kinky girl!

Ha-ha. Look, you know what a human shield is, right?

******

I rubbed my temples wearily and tried to tune out Taran and Jason's bickering. All of my mind was totally absorbed by what Cassie had said. I could pick any three of my group and allow them—and myself—to receive the morphing power. No little kids, and the three would have to realize that they were now under Jake's command. Hah…there were definitely worse things. None of my people were anywhere near as hotheaded in the face of danger as I had been. They would be great Animorphs candidates…probably Taran, Jason, and Zach…and me? 

__

I could be an Animorph again.

Nuh-uh. I'd already burned this bridge. I had started this little retrieval operation because I had come to grips a long time ago with the fact that I go absolutely nutso in a fight. I would be on the field for about four seconds before the Animorphs would regret their decision to recruit me. 

Besides, I wasn't really ready to be lorded over by Jake again.

__

I could fly as an eagle…I could swim as a dolphin…I would have the strength of a bear and the speed of a cheetah again.

I sighed. After experiencing the sensations felt by different animals, being human all the time was like being blind and deaf. I was constantly aware of how slow and clumsy I was, and how bad my hearing and eyesight and sense of smell were.

__

I remember soaring a mile and a half up, watching the mountains and meadows spread beneath me like a crazy patchwork quilt. I remember the taste of salmon, eaten while still in its death throes, the meat sweeter and fresher than anything I had ever tasted before. I remember the feeling of wind whistling through my feathers. I remember not caring about how long I had been in morph, and knowing how Tobias had felt in those last minutes, his subconscious deciding that he would be far happier as a hawk than as an abused human boy…

"So, what have you decided?" I jumped, and cursed myself for my inattentiveness. Twice in one day I had been caught completely off-guard. This was unacceptable. I tried to hide my annoyance and turned to Jenny.

"I haven't yet. I think that the ones that Jake really could use are Taran, Zach, and Jason, but those are my three best. I don't know if I can spare them."

"Wouldn't you be joining, too?"

"I was thinking about that. The answer is gonna have to be a big, fat NO."

"Why? I _know_ you miss morphing. I can see it written on your face every time you look into the sky and see a hawk or even a seagull."

"I _do _miss morphing. I just…"

"Don't think you've earned the right to morph again?" My silence was probably all the response the Chee needed. "Look, Renee, you made a _mistake_."

"I know that. And I'm willing to bet anything that Jake knows that, too." I absently twirl a strand of my now-curly red hair around my finger. "The problem is that I'm dead."

Jenny looks deeply at me, her holographic eyes concerned. "We've been through this before, Ren. You're _not_ dead. I, for one, cannot _believe_ that Lourdes allowed herself to be talked into that." I shake my head.

"That's not the point, Jenn. The point is that, to them, I'm gone. They don't need me to come back and screw things up again. The best I can do is stay back and train people up to join the team. Besides, the work I do here is important."

"Uh-huh. And all this has nothing to do with the fact that you're scared of losing control in morph again." Damn. Jenny had hit the nail on the head. I _was_ afraid. Even at the best of times, I had always needed a good long while to get control of a new morph. In battle, I tended to cut loose an awful lot. I was terrified that if I went into battle again, I would kill someone else who was important to me.

"Y'know…Renee—_Rachel--_since you…changed…you've seemed a lot, well, saner. Calmer. You aren't as argumentative, and you just seem a lot more easygoing. I guess a few months out of the thick of things was really just what you needed."

__

Shit! She knew! Dammit…just one little tiny secret that I desperately needed to keep hidden… 

"Renee, if you had that condition, then don't you think that there's a big chance Jake has that 'little problem,' too? And if he does, shouldn't the others know about it? Just in case?" 

"Jenny?"

"Yes?"

"Shut up."

******

"So, let me get this straight."

I gulped. It wasn't as thought I didn't _love_ Jake, but when he got in these moods he was…less than pleasant to be around.

"You and Marco are yammering away, _barely _paying attention to your _immediate_ surroundings, when the two of you get fried."

I wonder if I could jump out the window.

"You are saved by Renee. That was rather nice of her, don't you think?"

We nod frantically.

"One thing leads to another, and you tell them that four of them are welcome to join us."

"Well, we've been watching them long enough to know basically what kind of people they are."

"Right. What was it you said about David? Poor taste in music and good taste in comic books?"

Crap. He brought up David. I hope he sends a nice bouquet to my funeral. 

"Well then…" Jake grins for a moment, looking for all the world like Rachel. "I guess we'll have to make them at home, then, won't we?"


End file.
